I've been asked a number of times how I've been able to deal with the death of Pam my wife of almost 20 years and with the grief associated with this unimaginable loss. It's a great question that has caused me to explore the grieving process and the broad impact of losing someone who had such a significant and profound impact - not only on me and my life but on the lives of so many other people that were graced to know her.
As of this writing it's been more than a year and a quarter since Pam died. Despite other's view of my process this time has not been easy. And, paradoxically, I've laughed more and felt more joyful during this time than at any time in recent memory. How to account for this? Two things have seemed to enable my healthy integration of the loss of her and of the inescapable fact of her death into my life.
CFEEB
This is an acronym for a process of Center/Face/Extend/Enter/Blend. I've written about this in previous blog entries. The process has its roots in the martial art of Aikido and I used the process to help me productively engage my grief following Pam's death. The default for many people when faced with loss seems to be one of wanting to avoid the natural grief that accompanies loss because of the emotional pain it evokes. Grief deferred is grief prolonged. Using the process of CFEEB, whenever and wherever I began to grieve I would pause, take a breath and deliberately center myself. I would then face into the grief rather than try to avoid it; I would extend into and literally enter the experience as fully and as openly as I could. Grief would wash over me and through me, tears would flow, emotions would cascade and I would sometimes feel completely overwhelmed and out of control. I let it be - it was what it was. And it would eventually pass leaving me in a strange place of feeling exhausted and at the same time renewed. I hadn't been consumed or lost; I blended and didn't lose myself in the process. Over time, when sadness or grief appeared I could simply acknowledge it, let it be present and not feel captured by it. Over time, the intensity diminished. This is the value of surrendering fully to the inescapable fact that she's gone. I still feel grief today, I think of Pam every day, I am sometimes sad, AND the thoughts are for the most part very uplifting. They are thoughts of gratitude for what we had and for what I'm bringing forward into my life today as a consequence of the wonderfully rich time we had together. The process involved with CFEEB has allowed me to flow with the loss that is part of the river of my life rather than be caught behind a dam of avoided feelings.
Moving Forward
Moving forward is a very different approach to loss and life than moving on. The difference is far more than linguistic - it's an attitude and come from that is generative.
Moving on evokes thoughts of leaving things behind. In others that are experiencing the same loss moving on can be experienced as being left behind - even abandoned. Moving on can leave resources behind because part of what is intended in moving on is avoiding or diminishing pain. Unfortunately, this can also create a sense of not caring where I go - as long as it's away from the pain. This is not necessarily what's intended but the pain of grief is something that many would like to leave behind.
Coming to terms with the concept of fairness is also part of moving forward. With any loss - especially one of this magnitude - thoughts of "it's not fair" are almost unavoidable. The problem with this is that these sort of thoughts keep me any place but in the present. In order to be able to move forward I have to be in a position to accept what is. Notions of fairness are almost always rooted in the past or are projections into the future. Life isn't fair only to the degree that I think it "should" be different than it is...and it is what it is. This notion is more than philosophical/exestential musing. Accepting what is is the only way in which I can become free to move forward.
Moving forward is directional and aspirational. It is intentional. And it can take a while to get your feet back under you after a devastating loss. I've taken about the last two years "off" as I went through the motions of doing as little work as possible and allowing myself to grieve. Today, I am moving forward. I have a sense of future that includes and is very much informed by what Pam and I created together. I have an incredibly loving family and a most wondrous network of friends. I'd be crazy to move on from this. Moving forward - as an attitude - allows me to stay intimately connected. It also requires communicating what's going on with me with those who are important to me. They see me moving and communication is the only mechanism I know of that keeps us connected. I don't claim to do this well and they don't always understand of course. However, as long as I'm as clear as I can be with them that I'm not going anywhere while I'm moving forward we seem to be ok.
Moving forward is inclusive. It brings my history with me. It allows me access to a lifetime of resources - people, love, wisdom, memories. I don't want to leave any of this behind by moving on.
