The Danger of Enmeshment...

What is enmeshment? For our purposes, I suggest the following definition: Enmeshment is the consequence of losing the perspective that I am a unique individual that is acting out a role. As such, I begin to believe that I am my role (and that my client is acting out their role) and I begin relating to them on the basis of role. I’ve essentially forgotten that we’re both actors in a greater drama and I’m captured by the play.

When I forget that I am only occupying the role of coach (and my client the role of client) I lose connection to a source of authenticity, creativity, and resourcefulness that is crucial to an effective coaching process. One of the more common ways that this is evidenced is for a coach to lose their center, their sense of self as separate from their role as coach, when they become enmeshed with their client’s story and, as a consequence, become enmeshed with their client. The client’s story is seductive and it’s often easy to become captured by it – it makes sense and, often, the coach may be able to personally relate because they have had a similar experience. We forget that it’s not real – it’s only an interpretation of events.

When you as the coach begin to hear the little voice in your head saying, “I know what you mean” you have just been captured. The implication of this is that your center has just shifted – it is now someplace other than within you. As a consequence, your resourcefulness is now compromised inasmuch as your view of the situation is now more oriented to the client’s position. Your effectiveness as a coach depends on maintaining a neutral view. This where you will see more of the situation with its component parts and its also where you’ll identify more options to bring to your client.

How do you deal with this? Your ability to use your imagination will come in handy as we look to an answer to this question. To start with, imagine yourself with an awareness of your center. Imagine yourself standing outside of your role as the coach – you are an observer of the process. Imagine wanting to blend with your client so as to more elegantly work with them. Imagine as the blending takes place that your sense of your center begins to move. Again, imagine watching this occur from a position outside of yourself. Imagine ceasing the movement of your center at a point somewhere between your physical self and your client. Now, imagine conducting the coaching conversation from that center – all the while being aware of maintaining your sense of a centered shape. How does that feel for you? How can you best practice it?

Lets’ look at this from another perspective. Enmeshment will occur if you enter the coaching process with the intent of winning the coaching game. The minute there is a winner identified in the process it has become a “game”. Games have certain characteristics:

• there are players; a game requires more than one participant
• the players have distinct roles to play
• the players agree to play the game within the framework of their roles
• there is a time limit at which point the outcome of the game is determined
• there is a field of play – it may be an actual field or it may be an agreed upon process (i.e., the coaching agreement)
• the players are free to stop playing, at which time the game ceases

It’s important to be aware of these characteristics because, in order to play a game that has an intended outcome (i.e., conclusion) the player must identify with his or her role in the game. The most common consequence of this is that we will often succumb to acting as if we are constrained by our role. Because we are attempting to produce a specific outcome we lose our ability to be surprised. As a matter of fact, we will do almost anything to avoid being surprised. This is true of both the coach and the client in the typical coaching “game.”

From the commencement of the coaching process (“game”), each will have their role – you as the coach and the other as your client. In order for the game to work in a traditional sense, each player in the game must see themselves as their role and we each will need to make our roles believable to the other. As George Bernard Shaw said, “it is the nature of acting that we are not to see this woman as Ophelia, but Ophelia as this woman.” This is the root source of enmeshment and one of the purposes of enmeshment is to avoid being surprised.

Looked at within the context of coaching you want to be able to enter the coaching process willing to be surprised, willing to play the game for the sake of playing the game vs. achieving a desired outcome (winning). The obvious contradiction is the existence of a coaching contract that defines the “win” you and your client are wanting to achieve.

Think about that for a moment…

As long as the focus is on the “win” both players will look for ways to avoid losing. All “play” will be in service of achieving the win AT THE EXPENSE of being surprised; AT THE EXPENSE of being creative; AT THE EXPENSE of uncovering something perhaps much richer and alive than what either you or your client had bargained for. Predictability will become more important and the desire for predictability is one of the surest signs of enmeshment with the game of coaching.