The judgment that often
accompanies the comparison between actual and ideal is the great limiter on my
aspirations for a fulfilling life. How so? One of the precepts I hold about
ideals in motion is that I can only generally know what my ideal life is or
will be. Too much detail, too many parameters, blocks the creative movement. Life
is an open system. To impose all kinds of definitions on what is to be closes
the system. Closes it to spontaneity, closes it to new opportunities. The limiter
is that closed systems are, by their very nature, dying systems. My ideals need
to be open to the juices of newness if I am going to keep them alive and
moving. I need to be able to use my disappointment to keep my ideals in motion.
The use of disappointment
as a tool for movement rather than a hammer for driving home the point of
failure is a powerful reframe. When I experience disappointment (because I either
let myself down or was let down by another) what is the self talk, what are the
bodily sensations? For many, disappointment means I (or someone) failed to live
up to an expectation. When I’m moving into new territory I will fail more often
than not – even though I think I should know better!
The question that can often
be triggered by disappointment is how have I not lived up to that ideal I had set for myself? This is a much different question
than how did I not live into that
ideal. The difference is in the learning the question makes possible. The difference
is qualitative. Living “up to” implies there is no room for variance from a
standard. The system is closed to alternatives. Living “into” makes room for
different approaches, for different learning. The system is open to exploration
and new possibilities may emerge. The ideal is kept in motion although its form
has likely changed.
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