Ideals in Motion

Moving Forward or Moving On - Two VERY Different Approaches to Life and Living

I've been asked a number of times how I've been able to deal with the death of Pam my wife of almost 20 years and with the grief associated with this unimaginable loss. It's a great question that has caused me to explore the grieving process and the broad impact of losing someone who had such a significant and profound impact - not only on me and my life but on the lives of so many other people that were graced to know her.

As of this writing it's been more than a year and a quarter since Pam died. Despite other's view of my process this time has not been easy. And, paradoxically, I've laughed more and felt more joyful during this time than at any time in recent memory. How to account for this? Two things have seemed to enable my healthy integration of the loss of her and of the inescapable fact of her death into my life.

CFEEB

This is an acronym for a process of Center/Face/Extend/Enter/Blend. I've written about this in previous blog entries. The process has its roots in the martial art of Aikido and I used the process to help me productively engage my grief following Pam's death. The default for many people when faced with loss seems to be one of wanting to avoid the natural grief that accompanies loss because of the emotional pain it evokes. Grief deferred is grief prolonged. Using the process of CFEEB, whenever and wherever I began to grieve I would pause, take a breath and deliberately center myself. I would then face into the grief rather than try to avoid it; I would extend into and literally enter the experience as fully and as openly as I could. Grief would wash over me and through me, tears would flow, emotions would cascade and I would sometimes feel completely overwhelmed and out of control. I let it be - it was what it was. And it would eventually pass leaving me in a strange place of feeling exhausted and at the same time renewed. I hadn't been consumed or lost; I blended and didn't lose myself in the process. Over time, when sadness or grief appeared I could simply acknowledge it, let it be present and not feel captured by it. Over time, the intensity diminished. This is the value of surrendering fully to the inescapable fact that she's gone. I still feel grief today, I think of Pam every day, I am sometimes sad, AND the thoughts are for the most part very uplifting. They are thoughts of gratitude for what we had and for what I'm bringing forward into my life today as a consequence of the wonderfully rich time we had together. The process involved with CFEEB has allowed me to flow with the loss that is part of the river of my life rather than be caught behind a dam of avoided feelings.

Moving Forward

Moving forward is a very different approach to loss and life than moving on. The difference is far more than linguistic - it's an attitude and come from that is generative.

Moving on evokes thoughts of leaving things behind. In others that are experiencing the same loss moving on can be experienced as being left behind - even abandoned. Moving on can leave resources behind because part of what is intended in moving on is avoiding or diminishing pain. Unfortunately, this can also create a sense of not caring where I go - as long as it's away from the pain. This is not necessarily what's intended but the pain of grief is something that many would like to leave behind.

Coming to terms with the concept of fairness is also part of moving forward. With any loss - especially one of this magnitude - thoughts of "it's not fair" are almost unavoidable. The problem with this is that these sort of thoughts keep me any place but in the present. In order to be able to move forward I have to be in a position to accept what is. Notions of fairness are almost always rooted in the past or are projections into the future. Life isn't fair only to the degree that I think it "should" be different than it is...and it is what it is. This notion is more than philosophical/exestential musing. Accepting what is is the only way in which I can become free to move forward.

Moving forward is directional and aspirational. It is intentional. And it can take a while to get your feet back under you after a devastating loss. I've taken about the last two years "off" as I went through the motions of doing as little work as possible and allowing myself to grieve. Today, I am moving forward. I have a sense of future that includes and is very much informed by what Pam and I created together. I have an incredibly loving family and a most wondrous network of friends. I'd be crazy to move on from this. Moving forward - as an attitude - allows me to stay intimately connected. It also requires communicating what's going on with me with those who are important to me. They see me moving and communication is the only mechanism I know of that keeps us connected. I don't claim to do this well and they don't always understand of course. However, as long as I'm as clear as I can be with them that I'm not going anywhere while I'm moving forward we seem to be ok.

Moving forward is inclusive. It brings my history with me. It allows me access to a lifetime of resources - people, love, wisdom, memories. I don't want to leave any of this behind by moving on.

The "Fruit Fly's" Life....

It's well known that the life span of the typical fruit fly is approximately only 24 hours - this is partly why they are such excellent research subjects. What if this was our life span as well?

This question has given rise to a very provocative new practice for me. I approach each morning's awakening as if I were being newly born into a life. The end of the day as I drift off towards sleep marks my "dying". The question that arises is how was this life?

My morning meditation and my evening's reflections are addressing this question. Some initial thoughts and noticings that have been making appearances include:

• karma (if there is such a thing) likely does not require an eternity to discharge (at 60 a person has already lived 21,900 lifetimes)
• awareness is essential to develop
• anything can be stopped
• anything can be started
• it's all made up
• I'm the maker uper
• fear is an illusion (as is almost everything else)
• love is also made up
• consciousness/awareness just is
• none of the above makes experiencing anything feel less real
• experience fully and "it" has no hold
• it all truly is all good
• I am always choosing
• who is choosing can get confusing
• an objective reality that is undeniably "true" doesn't exist

This has the makings of a most profound lifelong practice - give it a try. I'll be very interested in learning of your experiences!

Here's a little help to get you started:

 

I May Not Be Much But I'm All I Think About!

What a pithy way to sum up the human condition.

My extraordinarily good friend Stewart Emery provided me with the above quote the other night over a great dinner of grilled salmon, asparagus and a lovely 2003 Cotes du Rhone. The dinner was a backdrop for one of the more fascinating conversations we've had over the years.

How do you view and experience your world? My experience of most people is that life is taken far too seriously. As a species we have an unswerving bias to identifying everything we encounter in terms of its impact on us. As a consequence most people seem to experience life as something that happens to them.

What if we approached life as if it were all good - no matter what "it" was? What if we approached life as if everything was a creation of our consciousness - not our egoic self's consciousness, but of pure consciousness itself. A consciousness that is perfect. A consciousness that is using our sensory ability to uniquely experience this reality.

How we define "I" is important! To the degree that my definition of who "I" am is experienced as someone distinct and unique in the world that "I" will be at effect of what goes on in the world. We will come to experience separation from the totality of life as the normal human condition. If, on the other hand, we can awaken to the experience being intimately connected to all of life - to each other, to trees, to fish, to earth - we can come to experience all of life as an energetic field that is extending itself through us and us through it. No separation - only being with life!

The World's First Depressant Drug...

This is great fun!!!

 

The Most Enlightened Creature On The Planet...

Inner Peace:

If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches & pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat plain food every day and be grateful,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time or the attention you want,
If you can take criticism and blame without any resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then you're probably the family dog!

Leading From Behind

NOTE: This is an extract from my soon to be published book "Three Dimensional Coaching"

Leading from behind is often a very foreign notion for many coaches. This is particularly true when dealing with the performance coaching issues that are typical of much of the coaching that takes place in organizations today.

Typically, the manager/coach has become aware of a performance breakdown and needs to have it corrected. The client may or may not be aware of the breakdown. How does a coach lead from behind in such a scenario? This is where the somatic distinction of CFEEB (center, face, extend, enter, blend) comes into play. The key to leading from behind is rooted in the Extend portion of the CFEEB model. As discussed earlier, in order to extend effectively the coach must bring curiosity to the conversation.

The outcome of effectively extending is that the coach is able to “feel the pulse” of the client. It is the feeling of the client’s pulse coupled with a healthy dose of curiosity that allows the coach to begin to lead the client to addressing the breakdown. The coach leads through the use of high quality questions – questions that are tied into clarifying the coach’s interpretation of the client’s pulse and the link to the trajectory of the client’s behavior.

Consciousness Is An Experience Junkie...

I had a wonderful conversation today with Elias Admidon of The Open Path. We have been exploring and discussing the nature of abiding non-duality and I was relating to him a recent experience I had while I was in Hawaii. The net of the experience is a realization that I am nothing more than an interpreting mechanism for "consciousness". This realization was catalyzed by a meditation I've been doing around the Latin phrase Momento Mori - literally translated as remember you must die.

Actually, I've already died...I just haven't arrived at that time yet. What a cool thought to entertain as a way to determine what experiences to pay attention to. Indeed, time may only exist to ensure that everything doesn't happen all at once.

If all there is (and all that I really am) is consciousness then what is the purpose of my body, my thoughts, my feelings or my life? The best that I can come up with is they are all contributory to a fascinatingly creative mechanism through which consciousness gets to experience aspects of this reality. Having and interpreting (making meaning) of this experience is a function of this form called Blaine.

Consciousness is an experience junkie. It has "created" about six billion human interpreting mechanisms (not to mention all the other organic and inorganic interpreting mechanisms that populate this universe) in order to experience this reality that we perceive. All will return to consciousness; the river will empty into the ocean. Free will is about what I do while on my own river. How do I navigate it, what do I attend to that I find in and on the river? I can do this mindfully or not. That's ultimately a function of how awake I am to this possibility. I get to make it all up! And, I don't get to not return to the ocean.

Starting Over...

Pam died five months ago and the question of starting over has been a very real one for me. How do I go forward? What does a "successful" life look like absent my partner? Who am I without her next to me? Where is the meaning in my life? All of these questions and more have been part of my daily experience since her death.

In earlier posts I've defined sustained success as the process of developing the capacity to continuously start over. Learning to do so in the aftermath of the death of my life's love has been a wonderfully rich and rewarding experience. This is not to say it's been without pain. The grief I've experienced has been profound. AND, the beauty in this is the profound awakening that has occurred in me about this life and how to lucidly experience and live it. Truly, death is proving to be the gateway to both life and to living it with joy, grace and gratitude.

Momento Mori

This Latin phrase is literally translated into "Remember, you must die". Being willing to face the unavoidable imminence of my death is an incredibly powerful catalyst. Part of my journey through my grief has involved this facing. It has taken me to (literally) standing on the precipice of a cliff and looking into the void and experiencing the inevitability of not being. What does it mean to be inseparable from the void that is consciousness; that place where the separate "I" that I think of as me does not exist?

I've come to realize that the fear of not being is the most powerful inhibitor of my ability to truly experience creating the life of my ideals. The degree to which I am able to embrace my death and celebrate the fact that "I" don't exist as an entity separate from all consciousness is the degree I am free and, ultimately, awake. The greatest gift Pam has given me in her death is this realization. Death is what dies...life doesn't die.

 

My Lady Pam Died

My wife and the incredible woman who completed me died on August 27. I am so blessed to have loved and been loved in a manner I never dreamed possible. I will miss you for the rest of my life Pam Bartlett.

When I die
Give what’s left of me away
To children
And old men who want to die.
And if you need to cry,
Cry for your brother
Walking the street beside you.
And when you need me,
Put your arms
Around anyone
And give them
What you need to give me.

I want to leave you something,
Something better
Than words
Or sounds.

Look for me
In the people I’ve known
Or loved,
And if you can’t give me away,
At least let me live on in your eyes
And not in your mind.

You can love me most
By letting
Hands touch hands,
By letting
Bodies touch bodies
And by letting go
Of children
That need to be free.

Love doesn’t die,
People do.
So when all that’s left of me
Is love,
Give it away.

~Merritt Malloy

The Danger of Enmeshment...

What is enmeshment? For our purposes, I suggest the following definition: Enmeshment is the consequence of losing the perspective that I am a unique individual that is acting out a role. As such, I begin to believe that I am my role (and that my client is acting out their role) and I begin relating to them on the basis of role. I’ve essentially forgotten that we’re both actors in a greater drama and I’m captured by the play.

When I forget that I am only occupying the role of coach (and my client the role of client) I lose connection to a source of authenticity, creativity, and resourcefulness that is crucial to an effective coaching process. One of the more common ways that this is evidenced is for a coach to lose their center, their sense of self as separate from their role as coach, when they become enmeshed with their client’s story and, as a consequence, become enmeshed with their client. The client’s story is seductive and it’s often easy to become captured by it – it makes sense and, often, the coach may be able to personally relate because they have had a similar experience. We forget that it’s not real – it’s only an interpretation of events.

When you as the coach begin to hear the little voice in your head saying, “I know what you mean” you have just been captured. The implication of this is that your center has just shifted – it is now someplace other than within you. As a consequence, your resourcefulness is now compromised inasmuch as your view of the situation is now more oriented to the client’s position. Your effectiveness as a coach depends on maintaining a neutral view. This where you will see more of the situation with its component parts and its also where you’ll identify more options to bring to your client.

How do you deal with this? Your ability to use your imagination will come in handy as we look to an answer to this question. To start with, imagine yourself with an awareness of your center. Imagine yourself standing outside of your role as the coach – you are an observer of the process. Imagine wanting to blend with your client so as to more elegantly work with them. Imagine as the blending takes place that your sense of your center begins to move. Again, imagine watching this occur from a position outside of yourself. Imagine ceasing the movement of your center at a point somewhere between your physical self and your client. Now, imagine conducting the coaching conversation from that center – all the while being aware of maintaining your sense of a centered shape. How does that feel for you? How can you best practice it?

Lets’ look at this from another perspective. Enmeshment will occur if you enter the coaching process with the intent of winning the coaching game. The minute there is a winner identified in the process it has become a “game”. Games have certain characteristics:

• there are players; a game requires more than one participant
• the players have distinct roles to play
• the players agree to play the game within the framework of their roles
• there is a time limit at which point the outcome of the game is determined
• there is a field of play – it may be an actual field or it may be an agreed upon process (i.e., the coaching agreement)
• the players are free to stop playing, at which time the game ceases

It’s important to be aware of these characteristics because, in order to play a game that has an intended outcome (i.e., conclusion) the player must identify with his or her role in the game. The most common consequence of this is that we will often succumb to acting as if we are constrained by our role. Because we are attempting to produce a specific outcome we lose our ability to be surprised. As a matter of fact, we will do almost anything to avoid being surprised. This is true of both the coach and the client in the typical coaching “game.”

From the commencement of the coaching process (“game”), each will have their role – you as the coach and the other as your client. In order for the game to work in a traditional sense, each player in the game must see themselves as their role and we each will need to make our roles believable to the other. As George Bernard Shaw said, “it is the nature of acting that we are not to see this woman as Ophelia, but Ophelia as this woman.” This is the root source of enmeshment and one of the purposes of enmeshment is to avoid being surprised.

Looked at within the context of coaching you want to be able to enter the coaching process willing to be surprised, willing to play the game for the sake of playing the game vs. achieving a desired outcome (winning). The obvious contradiction is the existence of a coaching contract that defines the “win” you and your client are wanting to achieve.

Think about that for a moment…

As long as the focus is on the “win” both players will look for ways to avoid losing. All “play” will be in service of achieving the win AT THE EXPENSE of being surprised; AT THE EXPENSE of being creative; AT THE EXPENSE of uncovering something perhaps much richer and alive than what either you or your client had bargained for. Predictability will become more important and the desire for predictability is one of the surest signs of enmeshment with the game of coaching.

Speaking From The Heart...

Literature is full of references to speaking from the heart. Mystics, philosophers and religious leaders have all referenced for millennia the importance of linking our words to that which we deeply value; to that which is core to our being.

We call this being authentic. It's about being true to your dreams and your ideals when you invoke declarations that call the future into being. All of this is thought of as merely an act of communication. What if it were more? What if there was a biological link that the ancient sages drew upon that makes "speaking from the heart" more than an aphorism?

The heart and tongue muscles are the same in their physical makeup. Our ancestors noted this when consuming game. Both were held out as prized pieces of the kill. Embryologists long ago documented what occurs developmentally as the fetus matures over time. The heart is the first organ to form (it is beating by the 23rd day); immediately following is the development of the mouth and tongue (by the 28th day). Tellingly, the tongue develops directly from cells that come from the heart. Both are inordinately endowed with strength - the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body and the heart is capable of feats of stamina that are truly awe inspiring.

When we lose (or forget about) this connection our lives are impoverished. We sacrifice our heart's desires by not speaking our truth. Truly, in today's fast paced world with all of its distractions, temptation and demands we risk much when we allow our heart to lose its voice.

My heart and tongue were twins at once conceived,
Th'eldest was my heart, born dumb by Destiny,
The last my tongue, of all sweet thoughts bereaved:
Yet strung and tun'd to play heart's harmony.
Both knit in one and yet asunder placed:
What heart would speak the tongue doth still discover.

What tongue doth speak is of the heart embraced,
And both are one to make a new found lover
New found, and only found in gods and kings,
Whose words are deeds, but words nor deeds regarded.
Chaste thoughts do mount and fly with swiftest wings,

My love with pain, my pain with loss rewarded.Then this be sure, since it is true perfection,That neither men nor gods can force affection.

                                ~ John Dowland (composer 1562-1626)

Problems...Friend or Foe?

 “Greatness is not a function of circumstance.
Greatness…is a matter of conscious choice.” ~ Jim Collins

 

Although it may seem so for many people, the future is not an accident waiting to happen. Frustratingly for many however, the future cannot be guaranteed. What it can be is designed. The wondrous thing about design is that the concept lends itself to flexibility. I design for contingency. I design for uncertainty while keeping true to the intent of the design.

When designing the future with my clients I help them keep their focus on function rather than form, on the experience of success rather than symbols of that success. We design to include problems not to avoid them. By designing my future I leverage the foundational activity of leadership (creating vision) and I put myself in position to lead my life rather than be at effect of the vicissitudes of life.

Designing to Include Problems

One of the least understood and most under-appreciated attributes of problems is the symbiotic relationship problems have with their solutions. Understanding this relationship can enable us to look at problems in a fundamentally different manner – a generative view rather than a constrained view. We can look at what we call problems as fundamental building blocks in a well-designed life.

The only time I truly experience a problem is in the present – I may worry about a problem occurring at some future date or I may revisit an already solved problem from the past – neither of which allows for experiencing the problem. This temporal relationship is important because the only place I can effectively deal with a problem is in the present.

When experiencing a problem I will almost always look to my past for examples of similar problems with which I have experience. What I’m looking for are the solutions I’ve previously used to solve these past problems. My history is rich with examples of past solutions and I would be foolish not to draw on this experience. I rummage through my bag of experiences and – lo and behold – here is a solution that seems ideally suited to this current problem. I apply this solution and – viola – my problem is solved! However, what I often don’t appreciate is that, in addition to solving my immediate problem, what I’ve also done is created a perpetuating loop. Here’s what I mean by this.

When I went back into my history to find the solution to my current problem I did select the best solution I thought was available to me. In applying that solution I introduced back into my life the dynamics that support the solution – which will almost always include content and a set of sequences that over time will create the same kind of problem once again. It is not an exaggeration to suggest that many of the problems we are currently facing are familiar. Although the specifics are currently different, we have likely experienced this particular class of problem before. This is a function of this perpetuating loop.

The model below illustrates this notion.

 

 

What I want is to not only find a way to solve my current problem but to do so in a way that makes it possible to leave this “class” of problems behind. I want to eventually be dealing with new and different problems. Instead of being a problem solver I want to become highly creative and effective problem creator!

This notion of being a problem creator is counter-intuitive for many so a little explanation is in order. The following model illustrates this process. In this model I still go back in time to find my solution to my current problem. However, instead of selecting a solution with the sole intent of solving the problem I will select a solution that will both solve my problem and move me a step closer to the vision of the future I hold for myself. The inclusion of my vision for my future as a legitimate component to the solution seeking process means that when selecting a solution I must take into account the impact of the solution on my progress in moving toward my vision. If the solution solves the problem but does nothing to move me closer to my vision I don’t use that solution – even though it would solve my problem! Whatever solution I select must meet the dual criteria of both solving the problem and moving me closer to my vision. The net impact of this is that I begin introducing into my life circumstances and content that weren’t there before. The addition of this “new” material into the mix of my life will conspire to produce new problems for me in the future. Problems I've never encountered before. Problems that will challenge me in new ways.

 

It’s important to remember that life comes with problems. One indication of forward progress in life is whether or not I am facing new problems – problems that I have no experience dealing with. Looked at this way I begin to see myself as a problem creator. And, I do so as a choice. Consciously and deliberately.

Intention: The First Step In Meaningful Transformation

You are not the same today as you were when you were a child. The question this statement evokes is "are you who you want to be today?" The follow-on question is "are you living the life you want to be living?" The two questions are inseparable.

The Law of Attraction essentially says that I will attract to me that which I am (which is definitely different than attracting that which I may want). Another way of saying this is that my world and my experience of it is determined by what I bring to it. In order for me to externally realize and experience my ideals I first need to have them be present inside myself. How to do this?

Intention, Attention, Practice, and Guidance

Transformation will naturally occur in life. Mindful transformation is a different undertaking. It begins with intention. Here I'm reminded of the childhood riddle:

"Five frogs sit on a log. Four decide to jump off. How many frogs are left on the log?"

The answer is five. Simply deciding to do something is not the same as doing it. Intention is different than simply deciding. It is the catalytic agent for effective action. It implies some clarity about the "for the sake of what" that compels the action.

Attention is the handmaiden to intention. What I mean by this is that intention is a choice about where I place my awareness. And, because energy follows intention (awareness) I begin to notice what facilitates and what impedes the flow of energy. It's this attention to detail that a shift in awareness facilitates. Attention facilitated by awareness increases the choices I have in my life. And, an increase in choices potentially allows me to be more effective.

I say potentially because poor execution of anything will compromise the quality of the results I'm producing. Practices designed to insure a qualitatively effective repetition of new ways of seeing, thinking, being and behaving are crucial. It is no exaggeration to assert that the way I do anything is the way I do everything. I want to be engaged in practices that are designed to touch the smallest details of my life in ways that help shape them so that they are consistent with my intention. Why? Because I realize there are no "small" things. All aspects of me and my life are the very things that determine the content as well as the trajectory of my life.

Which is why I want effective guidance. I'm practicing all the time - effective and ineffective practices. Indeed, everything I do can be considered a practice, including the way I practice learning. Are my practices enabling me to be as effective as possible? If I practice doing things less than effectively I will not achieve my potential. We all need instruction. How to be better? How to notice the details that a master sees but the novice misses? To practice effectively means to learn effectively.

Transformation is a change in the ways I see the world - and a shift in how I see myself. It is a whole different perception of what's possible.

Some say that my teaching is nonsense.
Others call it lofty but impractical.
But to those who have looked inside themselves,
this nonsense makes perfect sense.
And to those who put into practice,
this loftiness has roots that go deep.
                                    ~ Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

When You Lose Your Vision The World Can't Find You (revisited)

This quote from the Welsh poet David Whyte summarizes the incredible power of a compelling vision. My experience as a coach reinforces my perspective that the word “world” has both internal and external connotations. Some of my clients have lost their mooring – their sense of purpose and direction – and their internal world of self has come into question. For others, their inability to generate a sense in others that they were in the thrall of a compelling vision has resulted in them being overlooked or discounted as players.

We all live in two worlds. We live in an external world that is generally assumed to be populated by all others on the planet. That world has some generalized as well as some culturally specific norms. Very simplistically, these norms are what others use to determine my place in the world from their perspective. Does there seem to be a direction or trajectory to my life that is meaningful in relation to these norms? Where do I belong – in their view – as a consequence of the presence (or lack) of this trajectory/direction? These world of agreement norms literally determine how “others” value me and relate to me.

The other world in which we live is highly and uniquely personal. It is my internal world. It is the world of my sensations, my moods, my feelings, my thoughts, my values, and my experiences. It is the world I reference when I think of “me.”

In order to be able to function effectively in either world there needs to be some sense of belonging (i.e., I am significant, have worth, and/or am noticed) and some sense of trajectory (i.e., I’m going to and/or am contributing to some “what” that is meaningful and worthwhile). It is these two dimensions of belonging and trajectory that a compelling vision empowers and that the "world" resonates with.

The tragedy of losing my vision for my life is not just that I lose touch with that which gives life meaning. I also lose the capacity for "life" to find me. I become isolated, unsure of my ability to make things happen; doubting my worth and questioning the very nature of my existence.

We all need a vision for our life. We need the direction that vision provides; one that culminates in an end point that is really a rally point for the resources I can tap into as I use myself up. And, isn't that the point? To be used up in the pursuit of something I value.

It's All Good...

Attitude…choice…experience…life.

How do we live a fulfilling and happy life when, in the words of the great sages, “shit happens”. I mean this literally – how is it that some keep going when others fold the tent and call it a day?

I believe all human beings aspire to live a life that confers a positive sense of being; a life in which I literally have the experience of exulting in the fact that I exist! I also believe that we all aspire to feel as if the life we are living is not an accident but something more – something worthwhile. I know that I want to feel and believe that what I do will live beyond me. Why else would we procreate? Why else would we write, build friendships, create businesses, pursue our dreams, and aspire to build empires?

And then life happens. Our best laid plans go awry. Tragedy and loss happens and we are sent reeling. How do we reconcile this with our dreams? How do some keep going when all seems lost? In a word…attitude. In another word…choice.

I have a very good friend whose “tag line” is “it’s all good”. The first time I heard him say this I smiled. He had said it when a plan for a new product launch he had begun to implement had gotten derailed in a system wide reorganization. This wasn’t an inconsequential event. He and his company had planned and invested heavily in this planned product launch. But “shit happens”. Was he disappointed? Absolutely! And, what struck me was the equanimity of his acceptance of something that was clearly beyond his control. While disappointed, he wasn’t deflated; he didn’t lose his sense of self; he maintained his sense of humor –  the world hadn’t ended and he still had a place in it.

It’s all good. To think otherwise is to believe that life itself is bad. That kind of thinking goes nowhere but down. We may not be in a position right now to fully grasp how it’s all good but in the “fullness of time” it all is. This is an attitude that can morph into a belief. It’s a way of living and viewing the world that is generative and aspirational – it keeps my dreams alive!

I offer you this challenge – whenever you encounter a disappointment or setback practice saying to yourself…”it’s all good”.

It really is.

Viktor Frankl On Man's Search For Meaning, May, 1972

Surprises...

No one is so brave that he is not disturbed by something unexpected. ~ Julius Caesar

 

Surprising things happen in life – both pleasant surprises and unpleasant. Regardless of the quality of the surprise, every surprise is, by definition, unexpected and because it is unexpected it will have the tendency to throw me off balance. Unfortunately, many of us seem to spend much of our lives off balance without really knowing how to come back to a resourceful center point.

There is an aphorism in the martial art of Aikido that admonishes the practitioner not to sacrifice their balance for power. When I look at many executives today they are in a continual process of trying to power through the surprises that they encounter on a daily basis. As a consequence, their stress levels are through the roof, they are reactive, they tend (more than most) to have short fuses, and, if in this state long enough will soon run themselves and those around them into the wall of burnout.

Knowing how and where my energy flows when I’m knocked off balance is a key to being able to rapidly come back to a center that is my point of balance. When balanced I have access to more resources, I can more easily move in more directions, I can take an effective - not rigid - stand.

The objective is not attempting to be continuously balanced; it’s learning to quickly return to a balanced and centered state when knocked off. This is only possible if I have an intimate familiarity with where that balanced state exists in my holistic (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) body.

There is a wonderful quote from the Irish author James Joyce that is useful to consider when assessing your ability to re-center: “Mr. Duffy lived a short distance from his body.”

Where do you live?

Artistry Is The Expression Of Ideals...

This fascinating video captures a beautifully choreographed process of touching many with the simplest of mediums - sand.

Perception...Don't Understimate Its Power

When coaching my clients one of the things I pay particular attention to is their perception of what's going on around them. I long ago learned that this is singularly the most important domain on which to focus if they want to achieve the kinds of change that they strive for. Now, before you roll your eyes and think "duh", stop for a moment and check your understanding of just what perception is.

Here's a simple way to think of perception: How I describe something to myself determines how I feel about it; how I feel about it strongly influence how I behave towards it. Here's a recounting of a fascinating experiment that exemplifies this phenomenon: We do not see with our eyes. We see with our brains.

Perception is the description part of this process. What goes into your descriptions of the events in your world? For many, much of what comprises our description filters are not in our conscious awareness. Our descriptions are, for the most part, unexamined. The problem this causes is that we often spend an inordinate amount of energy focusing on changing behavior. As anyone who has tried to change the behavior of another can attest, this is a fool's errand. We would be far better served focusing on becoming more aware of our "description bias" and finding ways to change the elements of how we describe our world that no longer serve us.

When You Lose Your Vision The World Can't Find You...

David Whyte, poet and my neighbor on Whidbey Island, wrote those words in one of his poems (which I have not been able to find!). They capture what goes on dynamically when I lose connection to my dreams and my ideals.

The tragedy of losing my vision for my life is not just that I lose touch with that which gives life meaning. I also lose the ability for "life" to find me. I become isolated, unsure of my ability to make things happen; doubting my worth and questioning the very nature of my existence.

We all need a vision for our life. We need the direction that vision provides; one that culminates in an end point that is really a rally point for the resources I can tap into as I use myself up. And, isn't that the point? To be used up in the pursuit of something I value.

Achieving my vision isn't guaranteed and achieving it isn't really even the objective. Try this...what would you like to have happen in 1,000 years? What is a vision that will take 1000 years to achieve? One that is meaningful to you and that you would truly like to see come to fruition. You'll never realize it AND you can dedicate your life to achieving it. Set such a vision for yourself and I'll guarantee the world will come to check you out!

Creating Your Ideal Future...it's a happening!

H...eisenberg (the uncertainty principle - at the quantum level, in order to observe something its motion stops)

A...ttachment (is required in order to notice or observe something)

P...robability wave ("reality" is a lived out on a probability wave where all things are possible)

P...erceived (the meaning making inherent in attachment...it's the sum of my beliefs, experiences, moods and predispositions that make "it" meaningful enough to be "real")

E...xperience (the phenomenon of being immersed in a particular point on a probability wave)

N...ow (what "reality" is observed as being at the point on the probability wave that I have chosen to perceive)